The Sam & Joe Murder Mystery, Part 1
by Mobius-Chan
Summary: A strange moan sparks mystery and intrigue as Detective Borksong investigates a murder case. But is anything really as it seems? And will Sam ever get back with Knuckles? Read on to find out...


An inhuman moan woke Joseph Birdsong from his slumber. He slowly peeled his head off of his laptop, leaving behind a limp sheet mask, and stared into the night outside his mansion window. "What was that awful sound?" Joseph whispered, clambering to his feet as Cheez-Its fell to the ground all around him.

Sonic the Hedgehog snored softly on a rug beside Joseph's bed. Apparently Joe's cobalt husband was undisturbed. But it had been a moan unlike any Joseph had ever heard before. And he'd heard a lot of moaning in his lifetime.

From his bedroom window Joe could see that the grounds outside of his mansion were lit in eerie moonlight; the tombstones of the nearby graveyard jutted out of the ground like teeth in the maw of some feral beast. A shiver ran down Joe's spine. The best kind of shiver. Maybe it was time for a ghost hunt? Whatever had made that sound could not have been human, and Joe wanted to be on top of it. Figuratively speaking.

For proper sleuthing attire, Joseph slipped into a dark cardigan and swapped the Pokémon cap atop his head for an identical one. He had dozens of these hats stored in the glass closet where he grew up. Joseph smeared a bit of Japanese sunscreen all over his face, thinking that although it was the middle of the night, one could never be too careful.

With that done, Detective Borksong was ready to take the case.

Early the next morning, Sam Ravioli blinked away the sleepy haze in his eyes and peered through a crack in his cardboard house. After the divorce with Knuckles, Sam had been forced to move out and make a life of his own. Living in a cardboard box next to a graveyard, Sam thought, was not so bad after all.

But what Sam saw outside of his box today was strange—Joseph Birdsong creeping around the graveyard with a magnifying glass. "Have you been out here all night?" Sam hollered, standing up so that his cardboard roof unfolded.

Joe nodded, his lips a grim line. "Something horrible has happened here."

Sam stared at the spot a few tombstones away where Dampé the Gravekeeper had fucked him for the first time. Something horrible had, indeed, happened here.

"What do you mean?" Sam said, still distracted by his horrific sexual history.

Joseph cleaned his magnifying glass on the sleeve of his neon cardigan and stared at Sam for a moment. "What are you doing late tonight?"

Sam clenched his butthole. "No offense but I would rather fuck a rabid opossum than make plans to spend the night with you."

" _Trust_ me," Joseph murmured, "you would not rather fuck a rabid opossum."

Sam bit his lip. Maybe Joe's sexual exploits were even more horrific than his own. Arkansas was a strange place, after all.

Joseph stepped forward and handed Sam a Hello Kitty™ envelope. "Be at my mansion at Midnight. Spread the word and make sure everyone attends."

Sam tore open the envelope and stared at the card inside. "Is this some kind of orgy invitation or what?" He wished he could read.

"Let's just call it a murder mystery party," Joe said with a smirk.

"Will Captain Falcon be there?"

"Obvi." Joseph turned on his heel and stalked out of the graveyard, stopping briefly at his mansion door to turn his heel back off.

A murder mystery party? Sam knew he had to be there. If Captain Falcon was attending, maybe it would be his ass that got murdered tonight.

Snickering to himself, Sam crouched back inside his cardboard house and folded the roof back in place overhead. This party invite was like a cup of fresh air for his social life. But if he wanted to make a good impression, he had some work cut out for him.

Dressed in his best, Sam stood outside Joseph's mansion that night among a plethora of shifty, semi-pixelated neighbors. Among them were Waluigi, Shulk, Captain Falcon, and Lanky Kong. Lanky and Sam had become fast friends, and the super-stretchy orangutan was in the midst of explaining a very sensitive fact about his anatomy when Sam's ex-husband Knuckles showed up. Although they'd ended their relationship amicably, the two hadn't spoken in months. An awkward tension hung in the air between them.

At the stroke of Midnight, Sonic flung open the doors of his mansion. It wasn't a moment too soon, as Walugi had started to flirt with Sam on grindr, despite the fact that they were standing next to each other in public. There were only a few things in life that Sam Ravioli wished he could take back, but seeing a Waluigi dick pic was chief among them.

"My… _husband_ … is waiting for you," Sonic announced. The cobalt hedgehog's bottom lip quivered, but he bit it and recovered, shaking himself.

All of the guests entered the mansion and followed Sonic to the dining room, where Joseph Birdsong sat perched at the end of a long table, like Lord Voldemort awaiting his Death Eaters.

"Welcome," Joe whispered as Sonic crept around the room lighting candles set along the walls. The flickering wicks made Sam feel witchy and strange. Was that normal? It had been awhile since Sam had been indoors.

Captain Falcon's bicep brushed Sam's back as the hottie entered behind him. "Sorry," the burly man grunted.

"You can enter my behind any time you want," Sam said, then pretend-corrected himself: "Um, I meant to say, 'Enter behind me!' I'm _so_ sorry… _or am I_?" Ravioli attempted a sexy wink but only managed to forcefully blink both of his eyes at the same time.

Captain Falcon looked taken aback and Sam started to feel the flop sweats coming on. So much for flirting.

"What the hell are you wearing?" Joseph said, commanding the room's attention.

It took a moment for Sam to realize Joe was talking to him, but he was rather proud to have his outfit pointed out. "Oh, this? Just a little something I tailored for myself this afternoon," he said.

"By that do you mean you took a sharpie and drew an outfit on your cardboard box, then strapped it to your body?" Joe asked.

That is exactly what Sam had done. "I'll have you know this look was inspired by many queens on Rupaul's Drag Race, including Penny Tration and Ginger Minj. Both of them would be proud to own this look on a runway."

Joseph snorted. "You are _so_ two-thousand and late to the game, Ravioli."

Waluigi laughed and everyone cringed.

"Anyways," Joseph coughed, "I summoned you all here to help me solve a crime… a murder." He said the last word with relish. Heinz Relish, to be exact. Straight from the grocery store.

"A murder?" Knuckles exclaimed.

"We only came 'cause we thought there'd be food," Lanky Kong said. The orangutan swung his way out of the mansion. Shulk shrugged and followed close behind.

Joe looked furious.

"Let them go," Sonic pleaded.

Joseph held up a hand. "It's fine. They can leave. The killer is still in this room." Joseph took turns staring each guest in the face.

Knuckles crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at Joe. "You're telling me that somebody is dead?" the echidna asked. "Who?"

"Dampé the Gravekeeper," Joseph stated.

Everyone in the room gasped, including Sam's butthole, who had grown very fond of the ogre's deku stick.

Joseph continued: "I found the Gravekeeper last night, bent over a tombstone, mouth cracked open—still forming his final moan."

"Are you sure he was dead?" Sam asked.

Joe nodded. "Totes deadzo."

"And the murder weapon?" Knuckles inquired.

"We're not sure," Sonic said, stepping forward. "But we did find the Gravekeeper's shovel buried deep inside his ass."

"That's just where he liked to keep it," Sam said. The shock was finally wearing off as he remembered the ogre's sweet, ugly face. "It can't be," he whispered. "Dampé was too young to die."

" _Too Young_?" Sonic murmured. "The hit single by my husband, Joseph Birdsong?"

"Consensual shovel sex or not, I suspect foul play," Joe stated, ignoring the surprise of his guests. "With my slave, err, _husband_ 's help, I've transported the corpse to my basement. I'd like you all to investigate with me. If you refuse, I'll consider that admission of your guilt."

"Why am I here?" Captain Falcon asked. "I have an alibi or two I could call up from last night."

"You're just here to nail me after I nail this case," Joseph stated.

The group fell silent, then each of them consented to descend the steps into Joseph and Sonic's basement. Sam adjusted his cardboard outfit so that he could fit through the slim doorway as he left the dining room. Downstairs, the basement smelled like mold and stale Cheez-Its. Although it was dark, Sam could make out three figures in a corner of the room. Two were sprawled on the ground and one was standing with its back facing the stairs, totes Blair Witch style. Sam both loved and hated it.

"Dah ay-loh oo-tye," the standing figure said, slowly turning around. It was a stumpy blue girl with an annoying face. "Me Brinty." The girl turned back around and chattered to the wall.

"Oh my god," Sam said, spotting Dampé's lumpy frame on the ground. The group edged forward together, while Joseph and Sonic stayed by the stairwell. The hedgehog had a tear in his eye.

Knuckles stepped over Dampé and pulled the second prone figure into the light.

"No!" Captain Falcon bellowed, biting his fist.

The figure was Joseph Birdsong, alive and well, but bound by ropes and gagged.

Before Sam could react, metal bars shot up from the floor, barricading the group from the stairwell—only the Joe who had led them downstairs stood on the other side with Sonic.

"Wahhh?!" Waluigi exclaimed, and everyone stared at the wiry, purple-garbed man until he shut up.

Clutching the metal bars, Sam yelled at the person he'd thought was his best friend: "Who—no, _what_ are you?!"

"Me?" The impostor chuckled. "Just call me Joseph Clonesong."

To be continued…


End file.
